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Monday, September 20th, 2010
9:04 am - Not that anyone reads this but..
I'm absent from school today because I figured out that I'm allergic to walnuts! Other than that, school is great. My senior year is great so far. I'm also starting driver's ed sometime next week. So everything's going smooth. Who'd have thought it?

current mood: optimistic

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Thursday, May 20th, 2010
11:52 pm
I'm sick and tired of people expecting so much from me when I feel so crappy. It takes way longer to heal from this than you can possibly imagine, and I'd appreciate it if people would stop treating me like I'm faking this.

I don't understand.

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Sunday, May 2nd, 2010
11:06 pm - Happy Birthday to me.
I am in so much pain. I don't know why. I can't go back to school, but no one seems to understand that. Tomorrow is my birthday and I'll probably end up sitting in my room all day.

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Tuesday, April 20th, 2010
11:19 am - What do I do now?
I'm normal!

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Monday, March 15th, 2010
11:24 pm - I never thought I'd see the end of this.
This past Friday, I went to a uro-gynecologist named Dr. Alan Garely. Long story short, after a year and a half, I'm finally getting a left hysterectomy. Dr. Garely said that there is an 80% chance that this surgery will work and I will be pain free.

I cannot wait until April 13th.
28 days to go.

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Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
2:27 pm - it's so coooold in the D
So today and yesterday I've been in the worst pain ever, but I want to go to school so badly. I can't keep up with these doctors anymore, I don't know what they're talking about and I feel like they're just kind of experimenting on me. For a while I thought I could get a hysterectomy, I'm not so sure now. I don't really care. I want to go to school. I'm sick of teachers in my house. Except Milky, I love him. Not that I don't like my other teachers, but seriously I don't want them in my house, I hate having to sit in my dining room for 2 hours the chairs are so uncomfortable and seriously have you ever tried to do anything for 2 hours? When I do go back to school, forty minutes is going to be a breeze. I also want to go to the prom. Not necessarily because I want to dance or whatever but I want to wear a dress. anyway i'ma take percocet so that it kicks in by the time Mr. Kuitwaard gets here.

current mood: aggravated

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Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
7:59 pm
I really want to just give up

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Thursday, December 24th, 2009
1:17 pm - I'm pretty sure everyone's forgotten about my existence
I'd really like to hang out with a lot of people, but I don't think anyone even remembers that I'm still here. Some people tell me they miss me, but I haven't gone anywhere.

current mood: blank

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Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
2:41 pm
I haven't been out of my house for more than ten minutes in about two weeks. It's kind of driving me insane and last night I was really depressed about how rough it's been lately. Today I realized I was just feelng sorry for myself and that wasn't helping anything. Today my Dad had shoulder surgery and I'm thankful that this surgery went well and that he's come through yet another surgery without any problems. All in all, I'm happy.

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Thursday, November 12th, 2009
10:01 am
My Momma is in Florida with her sister Elisa once again to go visit G-maw. Stuff isn't too great up here but it's managable. I'm bored of feeling shitty, but what else is new?

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Sunday, November 8th, 2009
10:36 pm - I'm gonna punch myself in the face.
Apparently everything is my fault, I'm such a bad person, Kayla's mad? WTF THATS NOT ALLOWED.

I'm so done with everything it's not even funny.

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Monday, September 21st, 2009
12:39 pm - I just ate All American, how exciting!
Okay so I stayed home from school today, but I don't care, there was no way I was going to go, I was in so much pain I couldn't stand up straight and I got dizzy. Anyway here's an update of my life even though I'm almost 100% positive that no one reads this shit.
-surgery number 4 didn't work.
-new doctor tomorrow, Dr. Hey-Joo Kang (lmao i love her name)
-my schedule is cool and I love all my teachers but I'm dropping physics.
-I'm still losing steroids weight =]
-Courtney now has a boyfriend named Austin
-And I now I have a boyfriend named Stephen Spano<3333333333333333333333
I'm so incredibly happy about that, you have absolutely no idea. We're sickeningly obsessed with each other and I never thought I could be like that? Because I'm very independent and normally when people attach themselves to me I get really angry and sick of them, but this is just terrific, I honestly don't remember when I've been this happy<333

current mood: sore

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Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
12:34 am - surgery # 4 tomorrow<3
Punch me in the nose!

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Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
8:02 pm - sex bomb, sex bomb
Soooo I went to see Dr. Siegel at LIJ and oh my God what an ordeal that was. Anywhooo he doesn't think I have pelvic congestion syndrome but he's gonna operate on me anyway because maybe he can help because I do have varicocities on my uteri. So that's August 18th. In the meantime, I finally got my learner's permit and my mom has taken me driving in the mall parking lot a couple times now and I'm actually okay at driving. I'm a lot better than I thought I'd be anyway. I can't wait till I can drive on the road and everything like that. So yeah, I've been having a good time lately, there's grad parties like every weekend and that's always fun. I mean from about 10 PM to 2 AM I have the worst pain I ever thought possible, but it eventually passes.

I'm excited for school and fall =]

current mood: cheerful

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Friday, July 10th, 2009
1:51 am - news on surgery
I had my third surgery June 30th and I've been recovering from it pretty well. It turned out that I did not have endometriosis this time afterall, but what my surgeon did find, was something called Pelvic Congestion Syndrome. What this is, is basically varicose veins, but on the uterus. I have it on both uteri, but moreso on the left. I really, really want a hysterectomy of my left uterus. The treatment for Pelvic Congestion Syndrome in order is as follows:
-anti-depressants that treat pain (If this reduced the pain, I would have to take them for the rest of my life.)
If that didn't work, the next step is to see an Interventional Radiologist who would give me an MRA which is an MRI except that radio-active dye is injected into the bloodstream to mark bloodflow in the veins. Looking at the report from the MRA, the doctor would then decide if he could do a procedure in which he basically blocks up the veins so that they don't work anymore.
And finally if that didn't work, the last option would be to have a hysterectomy. My surgeon is completely against this and I don't see why. I understand that taking a uterus out of a minor is unheard of because the minor can't legally make that decision since she is under 18. The only reason they won't do it is because someday I could decide that maybe I want a baby. But honestly, I think I have a pretty strong argument in favor of a left hysterectomy.
Here's why:
1. You have to be able to LEAVE YOUR HOUSE to meet a man, to have sex, in order to have a baby, which is something I am incapable of doing while in this much pain. (Did I mention that a symptom of pelvic congestion syndrome is incredibly painful sex?)
2. Becoming pregnant in a uterus that is covered in varicose veins would result in my lying in bed for 9 months straight.
3. How would I even take care of a child if I don't get out of bed some days?
4. I'm not sure how such a large amount of anti-depressants and radioactive dye would affect me or my solitary kidney. Not to mention the side effects of anti-depressants include suicidal thoughts among other things I'd rather not experience.
5. I HAVE A FUCKING SPARE UTERUS.
I think that God only intended for some people to have children, and if he gives people signs on what he wants them to do, he definitely, without a question, does NOT want me to reproduce. Though that is a shame because any child of mine would be drop-dead gorgeous. Just kidding. Kind of.

Peace.


P.S. I can't get over the death of Michael Jackson.

current mood: sore

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Thursday, July 9th, 2009
10:44 pm - Writer's Block: Childhood Firsts
What was your first word?



"Thank you"

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Saturday, June 6th, 2009
2:26 pm - stuff since last time I wrote in this:
-my birthday May 3rd
-visited my grandma in the nursing home May 15th
-2nd laparoscopy June 30th
-Been in school for about three and a half straight weeks (which I am very proud of)


I honestly have no idea why I write in this, I know no one reads it, but whatever.

I've decided to try out for treble/chamber singers. I want to get into treble more than chambers though. I doubt I'll get in, but the people who are already in those groups always tell me to try out. It's a blind audition so I don't think Dempsey's favoritism can stop me for once. Also Mr. Gilbert will be judging it and he loved my voice so maybe I have a better chance of making it than I think I do. I'm not going to get my hopes up, but it would be nice if I got in because a lot of my friends are in that kind of thing and I need to do clubs or whatever. I think next year I'll actually stay in SADD after safe halloween so that I can write down I was in it or whatever. That'll be two extracurricular activities.
We just got the music yesterday and I mastered the treble audition song, I'm going to start looking at the chamber one later today.

I have to take my permit test, I've been putting it off for longer than a month now, and I really want to learn how to drive. I can't wait to have my own car and be able to go out when I want and not need to ask for a ride home from anyone.

I'm dreading this third surgery, though I know I need it. I'm just not looking forward to fasting the day before, it sucks. You have to stop eating at noon the day before surgery. Normally, I could probably do that without a problem, but when someone is telling you that you aren't allowed to eat, it makes it so ridiculously hard. Then after I wake up from the surgery I know I'll be in unbearable pain just like last time. I always thought that having surgery would be no big deal, especially because my surgeon only makes three 1-centimeter long incisions in my stomach, but Jesus Christ, you honest to God cannot move. Not even to shift your weight. And if you try to sit up, it feels like you've done 5,000 sit ups. Also, I'm going to have to miss out on the fourth of July which is like my favorite thing ever because I still won't be able to get out of bed for long.

Oh well, the rest of the summer will be good and I'm looking forward to Junior Year =]
I love school, is that weird?

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, April 28th, 2009
6:55 pm - fuckinallenwrench.
So on Friday I left school early to go home and do some last minute packing, and then Maria and I went to JFK and met up with Kaitlyn's grandma, 2 aunts, and cousin, Kim. About 2 hours later we were on our way from Charlotte Airport to Kaitlyn's house in Concord, North Carolina. Finally seeing where Kate lives was totally awesome. Imagine being best friends with someone for 13 years and not knowing what their house looks like? Her house was absolutely gorgeous and it totally felt like it was her home, not like she belongs in her old house that's a couple blocks from mine. The next night was her sweet 16, and I met her new best friend, Becca, who is totally awesome. I also met a bunch of her other friends, and her teacher who taught her all the crazy plant names, lmao. The next day we went to the Charlotte Mall which was friggen hysterical. I saw a guy wearing a Confederate t-shirt. All in all, it was a great weekend. I definitely love North Carolina and I want to go back. There's something very appealing to me about the South. Maybe it's the friendly people, the country music, or the conservativism of it all, I don't know, but I could definitley see myself feeling at home there. When I get my driver's license I definitely want to drive down because I think that would be better than flying.

This leads me to my next point, my 16th birthday is on Sunday. I'ma get my learner's permit :) I've been looking at the practice tests online and it seems to just really be common sense. I'm not doing anything on my birthday. I'm getting a new iPod and a couple DVDs but that's it. Since I'm not well enough to have one this year, I'm having a sweet 17 next year. I'm not even that set on having a party. To be honest, I really just want a fancy dress.

Speaking of fancy dresses, I got my prom dress and it's pretty friggen sweet. It took three malls and Estelle's but I finally got it. It was really difficult finding something that wasn't slutty. All the dresses nowadays have like pieces of material cut out, and it just shows way too much skin. I don't know, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but seriously it's a high school prom, not a fucking strip club.

I'm gonna go now. I have to get back to school soon.

current mood: optimistic

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Sunday, April 19th, 2009
12:50 am - Writer's Block: And You Can’t Even Say Goodbye
If you had to enter the Witness Protection Program, whom would you find it the hardest to NOT ever contact again?


I think it would be most difficult to never speak to my mom again. I'm sure it's safe to say that everyone knows how attached I am to my mother and I don't really care. My mom is friendly and cute but piss her off and she's terrifying, and for some reason, I find that to be a very good quality to have in your mother. A lot of the time, I find myself not being able to go out or hang out with friends because of my ridiculous health, but my mom always finds some strange way to keep me entertained. I can honestly say that I prefer her company over that of any of my peers, because at the end of the day, the only person who will stay with you, no matter what you do, and love you unconditionally is your mother.
Love you Mooooo<3

current mood: tired

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Sunday, April 12th, 2009
11:35 am - It's Easter and
I wish I had family that lived near me.
Oh wait, I do, but I see them twice a year. woops.

What I'd do to be in England right now<33

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